Theater Review by JK Clarke . . .
Just about everyone loves to sneer at lawyers despite their importance and frequent value to us as individuals and society as a whole. I won’t even bother throwing down the over-referenced quote from Shakespeare’s Henry VI, Part 2 (click through if you have no idea what I’m talking about) that people often reference to express their distaste for the profession. But the truth is, there are indeed innumerable examples of slimy solicitors who deserve our derision. Case in point, the erstwhile Cellino and Barnes, an ambulance-chasing (aka “personal injury”) law firm responsible for one of TV’s most irritating advertising jingles. (Click here if you want to revisit that earworm, keeping in mind that it’ll be weeks before you can shake it loose.) A new play, Cellino V. Barnes, now playing at Asylum NYC’s new digs in the Gramercy Park neighborhood, comically explores the rise and fall of this cliché firm that only lent credence to all the negative stereotypes of the once august métier.
Told in almost a “meet-cute” narrative by playwrights Mike B. Breen and David Rafieledes, Cellino V Barnes is about two junior attorneys who come across one another in a job interview at a Buffalo, NY law firm managed by the interviewer’s father. Young Ross Cellino is something of a failure, a nepo baby who has never settled a case and is more than a bit of a party bro who has no business practicing law. The young attorney he’s interviewing, Steve Barnes, is a legal savant who’s in love with practicing law, but as free of ethical scruples as Ross, who brands him “a creepy little genius.” Barnes is particularly awed by a fender-bender case in which Cellino sued every entity imaginable, including the dog used in the car company’s commercial. It’s a match made in sleaze heaven and leads to one of the most recognized partnerships in New York legal history, largely because of Cellino’s incredibly annoying ad campaign, featuring a chanted toll-free phone number. They’re a bottom-of-the-barrel law firm, but both recognize the ability to make mountains of money by intimidating opponents into quick and substantial settlements while simultaneously running a side hustle in which they loan clients their payout money (which notoriously takes ages to be distributed) in a scheme that’s straight-up loan-sharking by anyone’s yardstick. We are told in a sly fourth wall breaking aside that much of the story is actually true—and verifiable—which adds to the awe with which we follow the narrative.
Cellino V. Barnes has much more going for it than one would ordinarily expect from an Off-Off-Broadway production, starting with its two stars, the energetic Eric William Morris (Cellino) and Noah Weisberg (Barnes) sporting a laughably obtuse bald cap and bearing a striking resemblance to the real guy. Both have Broadway credits to their name and it shows through their terrific comic performances. Handled by lesser actors, the play would lack the punch these two provide, with their zippy banter and expert comic timing. The play is set up like a classic screwball piece, with stooges who bring to mind not only legends like Abbott and Costello, but more contemporaneously Chris Farley and David Spade, in a Tommy Boy-type scenario, in which one colossal screwup (Cellino) is guided through hilarious malaprops by a straight man (Barnes) who’s equally, but differently, culpable in his ineptitude. Some of the writing even smacks of a Marx Brothers bit featuring banter between Groucho and Chico:
CELLINO: Likoudis [the partner in his father’s firm] is more strict than my dad. He’s the reason lunch is only fourteen minutes.
BARNES: Then we leave. Start our own firm, make lunch 15 minutes.
Similarly absurdist moments abound, including Cellino routinely confusing the paper shredder with the fax machine . . . to disastrous effect, of course. Morris and Weinberg play the humor big, but not so big that it doesn’t work. While the 75-minute production feels at times like a long sketch, it never lags. The moment any tedium seeps in, co-directors Alex Wyse and Wesley Taylor quickly turn the wheel, keeping the action and dialog clipping along. Riw Rakkulchon’s set, replete with very realistic cardboard document boxes and metal file cabinets does just enough to create the right “crappy office” atmosphere; and Rickie Lurie’s costumes and Rachael Geier hair and wigs, turn the two into quite believable bottom-feeder attorneys who give used car salesmen a run for their money.
But the real magic comes from Morris and Weisberg who are a noteworthy team. Morris’s often apoplectic pop-eyes have a Christopher Lloyd vibe and he treats his doofy Cellino with just enough seriousness to keep him from becoming an over-the-top caricature. Weisberg is his perfect comic foil, maintaining Barnes’s earnestness, devoid of conscience as he may be.
Considering how many Broadway-level actors are roaming the streets of New York City without shows, it’s rather surprising there aren’t more top-notch Off-Off-Broadway productions of the Cellino V. Barnes caliber. It’s not a big Broadway show, but that’s reflected in the affordable ticket price and the vast number of audience members under 40 years old (a demographic Broadway desperately needs). New York theater has a rich history of terrific independent productions like Cellino V. Barnes, but offerings have been scant of late. Let’s hope this one inspires more.
Cellino V. Barnes. Through October 13 at The Asylum NYC (123 East 24th Street, between Park and Lexington Avenues). www.asylumnyc.com
Photos: Marc J. Franklin