By Ron Fassler . . .
When a show dedicates itself to Vanna White as the source of its inspiration, you know things are bound to be a bit bent. Remember, this is the same Vanna White who once described her job of turning letters as being rather hard “because you have to know the WHOLE alphabet.”
But did you know she produced an autobiography, Vanna Speaks (with a Foreword by Pat Sajak, naturally)? Or that Gwyneth Paltrow and Oprah Winfrey have penned very personal cookbooks? Or slim volumes of poetry have been written by Matthew McConaughey and Suzanne Somers (not together, but separately)? If you think hearing these out loud might provide a laugh or two, then just imagine the mayhem when actors of the caliber of Mario Cantone, Rachel Dratch, Jackie Hoffman, Cecily Strong and Steven Weber are reading them. As the saying goes, comedy ensues.
Celebrity Autobiography, which has been produced in different iterations for a number of years now, is the brainchild of Eugene Pack and Dayle Reyfel (they took part in the festivities in the August 9 production at The Triad, along with Tate Donovan and Alan Zwiebel, rounding out the complete cast). I’ve seen it in a number of different versions and each time I find myself near hyperventilation (the good kind). The reasons are twofold. One: you can’t believe these books were actually written AND published, what with their profound inanity. And two: when you have people of this quality who with the slightest glance, or smallest gesture, or nod of the head, or knowing intonation, you can have an audience in hysterics.
Take for example a book excerpt that Alan Zweibel, one of the original “Saturday Night Live” writers, read aloud. It was from newsman Geraldo Rivera’s autobiography, Exposing Myself (you can’t make these titles up—yet someone did). In the book, Geraldo describes an encounter he had with Liza Minnelli during the heyday of Studio 54, a ridiculous flirtation too insane for words. It even went beyond words in that every time Liza’s turn to speak came up, due to it being spoken by the side-splitting Mario Cantone, things quickly accelerated from sixty to ninety miles an hour. In truth, Cantone didn’t so much speak as sing and dance his lines—as Liza. Criminally funny.
Steven Weber killed it as David Hasselhoff, reading from his premium tome, Don’t Hassle the Hoff: The Autobiography. Telling of the night on Broadway when he went on for the first time in the title roles of Jekyll and Hyde: The Musical (“All I remember was the standing ovation”), the narcissism was off the charts. Later, performing a dead-on Justin Bieber in his visit to the Louvre (which he finds very difficult to pronounce), Weber came close to weeping at how upset Bieber got from more people interested in taking pictures of him than the Mona Lisa. All of this was interspersed with Kris Jenner’s own personal pilgrimage to the Louvre, as she tells it in Kris Jenner . . . and All Things Kardashian. Simply has to be heard to be believed.
It seriously makes you wonder if some of these celebrities are paid by the word in their publishing deals. It sure feels that way, as many seem to be incapable of writing about anything significant that happens in their lives. When Neal Sedaka details everything he eats at every restaurant of every ethnicity, you wonder: what’s wrong with this person? Khloe Kardashian’s Strong Looks Better Naked, is as vapid as it sounds (expertly acted by Cecily Strong). And sure, taking aim at Khloe is akin to shooting a fish in a barrel, but when the simple act of reading these sections can produce gales of laughter the way they do, who can resist such a gold mine?
So bless Pack and Reyfel for concocting this concept (his Eddie Fisher and her Dolly Parton were particular highlights), all of which goes down as smooth as the fine cocktails served at The Triad, where the show took place (those drinks are a very good way to enhance the experience). And if hearing some of these books read out loud inspires you to go and buy one at the Strand, or anywhere better used books are sold, then certainly something like Joe Namath’s I Can’t Wait Until Tomorrow . . . ‘Cause I Get Better Looking Every Day would be a great place to start.
Before concluding, a special shout out once again to Mario Cantone, whose rendition of a selection from Send Yourself Roses: Thoughts on My Life, Love, and Leading Roles, gave us a Kathleen Turner imitation for the ages. As I said to my friend, who I seriously thought was going to have to be hospitalized from laughing so hard, “Well, for one night at least, Mario Cantone is the funniest man on earth.” Bravo!
Celebrity Autobiography took place August 9 at the Triad (158 West 72nd Street, between Amsterdam and Columbus Avenues). For future productions, visit www.triadnyc.com or www.celebrityautobiography.com
Photos: Ron Fassler
Cover Photo: Mario Cantone
